sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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