My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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