Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
