i may or may not be watching the land before time
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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