i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
