One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
