pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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