so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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