I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
