This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
