you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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