I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
It's never too late to be topless.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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