if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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