I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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