You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
