Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
