I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i drank out of a bidet.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
