Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You are the jesus of drinking
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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