I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
