whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
