I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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