as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
