i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
