cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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