I think my vagina is haunted
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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