I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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