Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
