Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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