you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
