just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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