why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
