ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
