kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
