If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
