girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize