So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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