god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
