i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
