How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
