even my farts smell like vagina
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You're like the curious george of whores
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
