considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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