Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
