I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
it was like eating out sand paper
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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