mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
