Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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