I love black thongs
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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