He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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