I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
