if you like me you must not know who I am
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I love you. Go after that dick
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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