I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
