Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize