I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
