Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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