I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
