why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
