The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
