this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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