You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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