Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
